A Willingness for Atrocity
by LoreleiArmina
Summary: Tarmon Gai'don has arrived- and with it more troubles than Sinead ever imagined.
1. All Deception is Gone

_This was originally a raising Arch for one of my characters at WoTRP. However, since then I have turned it into a full-fledged story, and I consider it some of the best writing I have ever done. I only wish that it was my own world so I could publish it _

There ARE a few differences in this story from the actual books. The most major is that the taint is gone, and men are allowed to train to become Aes Sedai. Second-most is that the Tower never split. Both were things the RPG chose to do so more people could RP together more often. 

Oh yes. Just to warn you- if you don't like sad stuff, you probably shouldn't read this. 

  
~*~ 

Sinead sat at her desk, writing a short report to Sallah, the Head of her Ajah. She had one of the most extensive networks of eyes-and-ears in the Tower, and she'd just received disturbing news from Tear. Another Shadow army, appearing without warning. Her spies hadn't seen then arriving, but there was little doubt in Sinead's mind that they'd Traveled. She knew of no Waygates in that part of the world, and besides, they were supposedly unusable now, unaccountably locked for all time by some unknown person or thing. 

She shifted her elbow, sighing heavily. That afternoon had been yet another bureaucratic battle, a nightmare of the Game of Houses as Aes Sedai discussed this and that while evading the real issue. Sinead pondered the wording of her next sentence, and then wrote carefully, before returning to her musing. The real problem was that there was no visible way of telling Black sisters and brothers from those sworn to the Light, without summoning all the Aes Sedai back to the Tower, and having every single one of them re-swear the first Oath before denying it. 

Sinead had hated the entire debate. She thought that Kesinda, the Amyrlin who had come to the Amyrlin Seat when Ariana stepped down, should just bring a halt to it and actually _do _something. The only reason it continued was because the stupid woman didn't want to make a move for fear of making enemies. And the Shadow would consume them if something didn't happen soon. Sinead winced, and straightened, putting a hand to her neck, where strained muscles were beginning to protest. 

"You okay?" Lundren asked, coming to stand behind her, hands on her shoulders. "Those meetings be stressful, and they never get anything done, or so you tell me. Why don't you just skip a few?" She tipped her head back and smiled at him, eyes dreamy as she stared up at his face. She remembered when his looks had changed so dramatically. It had been the beginning of their relationship, that inadvertent trip to _tel'aran'rhiod_, though perhaps neither of them realized it at the time. She reached up and tucked a stray hair back. 

"Kesinda would take any opportunity she could to remove me from the Hall," she said, allowing her hand to drop. "She doesn't like me because I don't play _Daes Dae'mar_," she added after a moment. "I see through her pretenses, and reveal to the Hall what she doesn't want them to know. I know for a fact that she wanted Giram and Nameca's trip to Rhuidean for _angreal _to be a secret until they got back." He nodded, and she lifted the paper from the desk. "When Sallah gives this to her, she'll probably say my contacts are exaggerating, and never bring it up again. But there are people dying out there that I could help, if I could only get her to lift this ridiculous order to remain in the Tower until further orders." 

She could just go, despite the order, but the problem would be when she returned, when Kesinda would very likely try to get her tried and stilled. She sighed again, and stood. She was already almost ready for bed, as she'd been preparing for sleep when that novice had come from the pigeon lofts with the reports. She walked over to the bed and sat down, gathering her hair up and plaiting it unhurriedly. It took her quite a long time, as it was long enough that, standing, it reached nearly to her knees. It tugged at her head, and felt wonderfully heavy when she moved. 

"A non-devious person right now is quite a relief, I think," Lundren said, stretching out beside her. "Especially when she's you, and right here." Sinead blushed, and lay down, resting against him. He waved almost negligently, and the lamps went out. There are light moments even in the darkest times, and sometimes the light outweighs the dark. That night was one of them. 

~*~*~ 

She woke with a queer feeling in her mind; Lasana was definitely upset about something. She opened her eyes slightly, and there was her sister, dressed in shimmering white silk, staring down at her with the oddest expression on her face. Her hair was up, a silver chain with a milky white stone swinging on it hanging over her forehead. Upon being raised to Aes Sedai, her sister had decided that a few things about being a noble weren't so bad- that chain being one of them. 

Sinead sat up slowly. "What's wrong, first-sister?" She asked quietly. Waking Lundren was not something she wanted to do. He wasn't a Sitter, but his life was still too busy to have his sleep interrupted. "Has Kesinda done something stupid? Will I need my-" she glanced at Lundren, and gave a start. He seemed to be only sleeping, but there was a knot on his head that was gradually going purple, and he looked slightly startled. She looked back at Lasana. 

The slender Cairhienin woman held a knife in her hand, and seemed on the point of tears. She also seemed to be fighting something, unable to stop herself as she took a step forward. "I…" she said, and Sinead saw the muscles move, felt the intention through the bond. She threw herself off the bed, and at her sister, just as the knife flashed down, to slice through the bed sheets and the mattress. "Don't stop me! I can't stop!" Lasana wailed, as Sinead's weight toppled her to the ground. She hadn't let go of the knife, and Sinead grabbed the other woman's wrist, holding the knife away from her. 

"I must do this…I must…" Lasana's eyes weren't focused on anything, rolling around wildly, and Sinead took a slight step back. "The Great Lord demands that I must…" A shock went rippling through Sinead's consciousness, and without thinking, she slammed a shield over her sister's ability to channel, and bound her into place with flows of Air. 

"Lasana!" She gasped. "_What did you just say?_" Her mind couldn't make her understand the words as she stood there, holding the one woman she had thought she could trust, held her away so Lasana wouldn't kill her. "Please, answer me!" Lasana glared at her, and struggled against the bonds. She appeared to have forgotten she could channel, because she didn't fight the shield, didn't even feel for it. 

"The- the Great Lord…I must obey the Great Lord…" Lasana murmured, as if she herself couldn't quite understand the words. She stood still for a moment, and then, to Sinead's astonishment, rebellion flared in that knot of emotions. "I won't! I can't. She's my sister, I swore- I ca-" she cut off, and so much pain flooded through their bond that Sinead winced, gritting her teeth, before gingerly reaching out and putting a hand on Lasana's shoulder. 

The Cairhienin woman stiffened, glaring at her. "Lasana," Sinead said quietly. "I won't let you go, but maybe I will listen if you tell me why." She sat down on her bed. Lasana had knocked Lundren out, and was trying to kill her. The question reverberated in her mind- '_Why?_' 

The rebellious feeling came back, and Lasana's lips seemed to be fighting what she was saying. "I…It was Black Aes- I must! I must!" she was panting, now, fighting with all she had. "I- I couldn't resis- No! I cannot! I must- let me go!" She threw herself at the wall of air holding her away from Sinead, and Sinead stared at her in astonishment. Black Aes Sedai? She couldn't resist? Still couldn't, by all evidence. What had happened to her? She sent a tendril of sympathy through the bond, and Lasana went still again, staring at her, her eyes seeming ready to come out of her head. "Help me, first-sister, I cannot-" She bit down, hard, as more pain came, and a strangled scream came from tightly closed lips, her eyes rolling back in her head once more. 

When it stopped, she was trembling, hanging in the bonds, and a thin line of blood had run from the corner of her mouth, down her chin, and disappeared into her hair. Sinead frowned, and her mind began to click the pieces together. Was there a way to force a person -specifically an Aes Sedai- to the Shadow? Or maybe she'd been Compulsed…_Or maybe she's pretending…_ Except that the bond never lied, and Lasana had been in agony just then, and the entire link had carried a sense of fighting something so immense, so heavy, that it threatened to squash her first-sister without thought. Sinead gritted her teeth, and released the Source- the wall and the shield along with it. She had to trust, now, or she would lose her sister. "The bond, Lasana. Hold it! Don't let go. It will hurt, but hold on! I will not fight you, if you truly do want to kill me; the Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills." _But I don't want to die yet…_

She stood up, closing her eyes, and concentrated on pulling her sister back, of bringing her back to the love she surely felt through the bond…_Can she even feel it?_ Sinead sat back, and Lasana's arm lowered. Another battle took place, with Lasana appearing to talk to herself as she fought against what she'd been forced to do. Lasana fell to her knees heavily, huddling over her knife hand, and Sinead waited, still struggling to hold on, to stay there for her sister. Something snapped, and Sinead's eyes opened, staring downward. Lasana had shoved the knife between two floorboards, and her weight had broken the blade. 

Still, she grappled with her invisible foe, as she tried to drop it. Sinead found herself tensing all her muscles, and forced herself to go through novice exercises until she relaxed. Lasana scrambled to her feet once more, the knife hilt in her hand, panting. She stood straight, and as tall as she could, her shoulders thrust back, and her chin up proudly. Slowly, her eyes on Sinead's, she put her hand out to her side, and opened her hand, though the knuckles of her other hand went as white as her dress when she did. The knife fell, and Sinead felt herself release a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding since the blade broke. 

Lasana seemed to fold to the floor, the bond blurring as consciousness faded, and Sinead lifted her gently, setting her on the bed, wiping her face off gently, and smoothing her hair away from it. She put her hands on Lasana's head, and wove her inadequate flows of Healing, sending them through her sister's body. It woke her up, but did nothing for the headache, or for the lip that she had nearly bitten through. Sinead looked at Lundren, and scrambled across the bed, putting her hands on his head, as well. He blinked, the purple knot slightly smaller but no less painful, Sinead was sure, and sat up. "What be happening?" He asked in confusion, and then saw Lasana. "You! You hit me with the Power! What be going on here? Why did you attack me?" Lasana flushed where she sat, looking down at her toes, huddling into herself. 

"Lasana was forced to do it. I haven't yet learned why or how." Sinead said, putting an arm around each of them. "All that really matters is that it wasn't voluntary, but I would like to know what happened, Lasana." 

Lasana told her tale haltingly, occasionally stopping, to draw a deep breath, or fight back fear that the pain would come back. A week or so before, Bethasin had requested her aid, and had taken her down to the dungeons. She'd gone willingly enough, thinking that the other White needed help with the _ter'angreal_. But a circle of thirteen had been waiting for her, as well as thirteen Halfmen. "They hurt me so badly, Sinead," Lasana said almost unintelligibly, her voice lowering to an unintelligible gibber as she went over the memories. "They forced me to mask my bond to you, and Gabriell, and-" she cut off, and Sinead knew she had been about to say 'and Darmou' but had remembered that Lundren did not know. "- and then they gave me to the Myrddraal to play with, while they readied their…operations." She fell silent -collecting herself- before continuing, in a slightly stronger voice. "Then they…they turned me. They said there was no way to reverse it, that I would serve the Shadow forever, knowing what I was doing, and unable to stop it. I fought, every time I had to do something at their orders…before now, though, nothing meant enough to me to fight with everything I had. Not- not until they said…said I had to kill _you…_" 

She fell silent, sobbing miserably, and Sinead could only agree with that emotion. "How," Lundren asked suddenly into the silence, leaning forward intently, that white lock of hair making him suddenly look quite intimidating, "do we know you are telling the truth?" Sinead gaped at him, then realized he had a point- until she remembered the look in Lasana's eyes when Sinead had spoken to her. And the bond. Lundren did know about it, but maybe he didn't realize how like a Warder-bond it really was- and how unlike in some ways. 

"I will re-swear the Oaths and swear by my love for my first-sister that I did none of it willingly. Nothing in the world means as much to me, Lundren Montin Aes Sedai, not even my life." She said, staring him in the eye while she spoke. "And I will confess my crimes to the Amyrlin Seat and the Hall. With or without coercion, I was the one who committed them. I won't have a novice or Accepted turned from the Tower for things I have done." She put her hands to her head, face pale, and Sinead winced, biting her lip. Her sister had a headache that would have had her on her back, if she'd had it. 

"I believe you." Lundren said slowly, his posture relaxing slightly. His eyes suddenly flashed away from her, as if they'd seen something they didn't want to, and rested on Sinead. She stared back at him, and then smiled slightly, nodding. It was good to know that Lasana had Lundren's trust. Again. 

Lasana stood up, straightening herself up as best she could, and Sinead followed, embracing her warmly, holding her as she had after they'd become first-sisters. "I believe Gabriell and Darmou will be worried for you, Lasana. The bond tells much, even when masked. _Especially_ when masked," she murmured. She was the only one that knew that Lasana had two Warders, though she couldn't completely comprehend _why_ she'd bonded Darmou, and Lasana never said. The interesting thing had been watching the White's bond to Gabriell change- from him being her fetch-n-carry, to their love affair being the talk of the novice quarters after lights' out. 

Lasana stayed in her embrace for a few minutes, the link between them flooded with relief, and love, and then she stepped away. Her face red, she hastily turned away, striding out of the room. Sinead got back into bed, and curled up, to rid her bones of the chill that had lodged in them, and would not leave. Lundren put an arm around her, and though she still lay awake for a long time, she was a little warmer, and not so alone. And when she finally did fall asleep, it was to sleep soundly, with pleasant dreams. 


	2. What You Need is a Lie

Sinead woke up the next morning, with a feeling that something momentous would be happening that day. Nothing exceedingly strange happened while she was dressing, however, nor when she made the trip down to the Kitchens to get her breakfast and to draft a novice into carrying Lundren's up. On the way back up, she saw Lasana walking with Darmou. Funny, to think that Darmou was her brother, and Lasana her sister, and yet they bore absolutely no relation to each other. Darmou looked confused; Sinead stopped for a moment to give them both comforting hugs, and then went on to her quarters. 

She ate slowly, reading over the reports that she hadn't finished the night before, and penning a summary of them, to give to the Head of the Blue. She left it up to Sallah what should be told to Kesinda and not. Sallah was remarkably clear-headed -maybe something to do with her being of a major Saldaean House. She played the Great Game, but minimally, and only to smooth over arguments of a sort that could cause wars. She sealed it with her seal- a _segede_ flower half-bloomed, surrounded by thorns-, opened her door, snagged a passing novice, and told her to take it, before going back in and finishing her breakfast talking pleasantly with Lundren. 

The sun had not cleared the Dragonwall when another novice came, and told Sinead that the Hall was meeting. Sinead nodded, and grabbed her shawl from its hook by her dressing room mirror. After a moment's thought, she added the two combs her sister had given her, sweeping her hair back majestically. One was a _sa'angreal_ and the other a _ter'angreal_. The former was only slightly weaker less strong than _Callandor_, while the latter did something so terrible that Lasana had refused to tell her what, saying that if she knew, she would hesitate to use it when necessary. Sinead decided, for the umpteenth time, as she placed it carefully in her hair, that she did not want to know. Then she left her quarters, heading for the Great Hall -and yet another boring session of Aes Sedai playing politics like a harp. 

Calenna would ask, in her bird-like voice, whether they could leave the Tower yet. Kesinda would say, once again, that the restriction held. She might possibly say that two or three times to as many people. The Green Sitters would ask about the Dragon Reborn, and Kesinda would silence them with some half-truth. Sinead would probably see through it, and tell the Hall what the Amyrlin really meant, and the Amyrlin, in retaliation, would give the other two Blue Sitters none-too-subtle hints that Sinead was not fit for her chair in the Hall. The Yellows would bring up the issue of the latest woman burnt-out in an attempt to create strong _angreal_, the Reds would send barbed comments to the Blues and Greens, needling them ruthlessly, and it would degenerate into a debate of which Sinead had no interest in. 

Only, when she got there, nothing of the sort happened. Malera said the traditional words, walking in with Kesinda behind her, and all the Sitters curtsied. The Amyrlin had barely seated herself, arranging the stole about her shoulders pompously, when she said abruptly, "bring her in" and two guards came forward, followed by three women. One of them, Sinead realized in dismay, was Lasana, and her first-sister was shielded and bound by the other two. 

She leapt up, demanding the Amyrlin's attention. "Ah. The erstwhile White's…er…sister, am I correct?" Kesinda asked, in the most insulting tones possible, and Sinead blinked. "Not a good thing to happen to one's blood, is it, Sinead?" She added lazily. "Lasana…tell your tale. I'm sure it will be quite…ehm…enlightening for us all." Sinead sat down, grinding her teeth. Kesinda had just walked all over law and tradition. 

She sent every bit of strength, reassurance and love she could muster through the bond. Lasana _would_ be forgiven, if Sinead Mesine-Montin of the Deep Valley Goshien Aiel had anything to say about the matter. Apparently that bit of support was what Lasana needed, for she straightened, and positioned herself so everyone could see her clearly. 

"Mother," she said, her voice clear, "a week ago, I was walking in the corridors, when Bethasin of the White Ajah requested my aid on a matter of _angreal_." She held her head high, staring the Amyrlin in the eye. "I went willingly; she was of my Ajah, after all, and I am good with _ter'angreal_. When I got down there, however…" Sinead flinched, knowing what was coming next. She heard no more of the narrative, focusing her attention on giving her sister the strength to go on. She was startled back into awareness when the Amyrlin spoke. 

"Who will speak for this woman's trusty-worthiness?" Sinead got to her feet immediately. So did all of the White Sitters, a Gray, a Yellow, a Green, and, to her surprise, all three Reds. Lasana was obviously startled by that as well. Sinead felt a small smile form on her lips; her sister had made more friends than expected. Kesinda looked slightly taken-aback, but not for long. She smiled, and Sinead shivered. 

"I count ten of twenty one." She said, and Sinead's heart sank. Just as Kesinda opened her mouth -no doubt to sentence Lasana to stilling and worse- two Browns rose, settling their skirts and looking flustered as they looked about. Sinead closed her eyes, biting her lip to keep from cheering. _Don't give up!_ She thought to her sister. Kesinda turned to Malera. "Bring the Oath Rod, please." Her voice sounded like sour apples personified. Malera nodded, and scurried out of the Hall. 

While the Keeper was gone, there was utter silence in the Hall; only the two guards shifted at all, and they had a right to be uneasy. Malera came back, still at that half-run, the box with the Oath Rod held under her arm. She put it on the only table in the room, and brought out the bone-white rod, holding it in her hands as if afraid to break it. "Lasana Jintan, will you swear the Three Oaths to prove your innocence?" The pale-haired Keeper asked breathlessly, proffering it to the Cairhienin woman. Sinead watched in silence as Lasana put a hand around it, and then turned, to face the Sitter- the White Ajah and Sinead, specifically, though as she turned, Sinead saw her shoot the Reds -and the two Browns- a grateful look. 

"By the Light, I swear to speak no word that is not true. By the Light, I swear never to make a weapon for one man to kill another. By the Light, I swear never to use the One Power as a weapon save against Shadowspawn, or in the last defense of my life, the life of my Warder, or that of another sister." Sinead felt the shivery feeling over the bond of Oaths settling in. "By the bond that made Sinead and I first-sisters -and nothing means more to me- I swear; I am not a Darkfriend. By that same bond, I will swear, though it may kill me, that I will never serve the Shadow again." The shivery feeling increased tenfold, and Lasana threw her head back, clenching her teeth against the scream. "I will compensate as well as I can." She said, once her breath was back. "My estates are at the Ajahs' disposal. I ask only that they are used for worthy pursuits." She curtsied. Sinead noticed that she said 'the Ajahs'' and not 'the Tower's'. She also noticed that Kesinda had noticed, and was not pleased in the least. Lasana's estates had been quite well-off since Selina Jintan had died and Lasana gained the title Lady Jintan- such a financial gain wouldn't have done any harm to Kesinda's position as Amyrlin. 

The two Aes Sedai flanking Lasana removed the shield, and Lasana relaxed, but before anyone could say anything, Kesinda flung up a hand. "Find Bethasin Meliadra and put her in the holding cells- her trial will commence tomorrow. Lasana, I will see you in my study three after High; we must discuss the matter of penance. Simply giving us money is not enough to make up for your treachery." With a vindictive smile, the Amyrlin swept out of the Hall without bothering with ceremony.


	3. Reaction Time

Sinead didn't see Lasana or Lundren for several hours after that, as both were busy. Lundren with Green Ajah affairs, and Lasana with her meeting with Kesinda. While thinking about the outcome of that particular appointment, she ran head long into a novice, knocking the poor girl over. "Oh, excuse me," she said pleasantly, helping the girl to stand once more, and steadying her until she got her breath back. "Forgive me, Aes Sedai!" The novice gasped, dropping a curtsy that landed her on the floor once more. _Another new one…all the others know not to do that…_ Sinead thought, as she helped the girl to stand again. 

"Please- I am just Sinead." Sinead said in a gentle voice. The novice gaped at her, and then nodded. Sinead relaxed a little, and made as if to walk on. 

"I'm sorry, Sinead S- Sinead, but I was told by- by the Amyrlin herself to get you…you're to go to her study…in half an hour…" Sinead nodded, and walked on, head high. Kesinda could wait a few minutes; she was_ not_ going to hop for the woman's whims. "Sinead S- Sinead, she said you'd better be there on time, or she'd- she'd…punish me. She mentioned putting me from the Tower, Aes Sedai…" Sinead snapped around, staring at her. 

"She said she'd put you from the Tower if I am not on time?" Sinead asked, anger bubbling over. The novice nodded miserably. "_Mother_, you overstep yourself," she muttered to herself through gritted teeth. "The Ajahs will have a word with you now. See if they don't!" She shook her head, and then put a hand on the novice's shoulder. "You may have the rest of the day off. If anyone questions it, send him or her to me. I would suggest that you spend the day in a remote part of the Gardens." 

The novice smiled through her fear and darted off. Sinead waited for her to round the corner, and then made a Gateway to the hallway outside the Amyrlin's antechamber. She walked in almost jauntily, after making sure she was pristinely clean and neat. Marela looked up expectantly, nodded, and then showed her to Kesinda's door, ignoring the complaints of the Aes Sedai already waiting. "The Mother wishes to speak to Sinead Sedai," Sinead heard her say, and then the door closed, the Keeper leaning against it. 

Lundren was there, as were two other Aes Sedai, one male, one female. Sinead knew the female- Jocinde Nerise, a Green. The male, however, was distinguished only by his gray sash, his youthful face, and the fact that last time she'd seen him, he'd been garbed as Accepted, being chastised by Deiree for being late to a class. She nodded to both, then went to sit beside Lundren, arms crossed, chin high. "I am glad that you are prompt, Sinead." Kesinda said, her Taraboner smile, the half-pout hovering on her full lips, widening when she saw the outright anger on her face. Sinead felt like sticking her tongue out. "I have matters of great importance to discuss with you." She settled back into her chair, her eyes traveling over them all. 

"What would those be?" Sinead asked. The Amyrlin's face tightened, and Jocinde shifted uneasily. "Maybe the fact that you threatened a novice with being put from the Tower if I did _not_ come on time?" Jocinde stared at her in shock. Sinead grimaced, glaring at the Amyrlin, green eyes twin fires of outrage. 

Kesinda straightened her shawl ostentatiously. "After you leave, Sinead, I want you to write up what you think a suitable punishment is for insubordination. If I don't consider it strong enough, I will triple it." Sinead's lips narrowed, but she nodded, rising to curtsy. "You may as well remain standing," Kesinda said negligently. "I'm sure it will give you a reason to pay attention. You're liable to fall asleep if you stay sitting." Sinead glared at her, but remained standing, body relaxed, as if that was what she wanted to do anyway. 

"I called you because I have just received a disturbing report from the Reds and the Yellows." Sinead's eyebrows rose. Those were rather unlikely sources for information. "They say that there are armies of trollocs such as has not been seen since the Breaking descending on the world. The largest is in the Borderlands; Arafel, to be exact." She pursed her lips. "The most powerful, however, is in Tear. There are enough Halfmen and Draghkar with it to destroy a goodly portion of this Tower. The other is in Altara, and whether it is fighting with or against the Seanchan is yet unknown." Sinead's lips tightened. Red and the Yellow indeed; she'd just sent Sallah the report on the trollocs in Tear, and she was sure the Head had passed it on to Kesinda. What the Amyrlin just said was an almost word-for-word quote of what she'd written. It was pressing, though, no matter whom Kesinda cited as her sources, and she'd rather Reds and Yellows got the credit, than have Tear, Altara and the Borderlands wiped out. 

"I myself will be leading a group of Aes Sedai to battle the army in Tear- it is the most pressing danger." the Amyrlin said, steepling her hands on her desk. She looked at Lundren. "I hear that you are an excellent battle-lord; I need you to go to the Borderlands, and deal with that army." She turned to the other man. "You and Jocinde will be leading the third army." Her eyes passed right over Sinead. "You may choose companies of fifty Aes Sedai and as many guards as you think will be needed. I have already chosen Sinead." She gave Sinead another of her malicious smiles and Sinead fairly quivered, glaring at her. "I will need her Talents in Tear." Only an excuse. Just another way to hit beneath the belt, without anyone knowing. _Let me be with him, you lily-hearted…!_

"Yes, Mother." The strange man said, bowing in his chair. "I am sure I can stop this danger." Jocinde nodded, but her eyes were expressionless, though extremely chilly, and Sinead wondered what she was thinking about. "May we be excused to begin our planning?" Kesinda nodded, turning to face Sinead and Lundren when the two were gone. 

Lundren was thinking hard, Sinead could tell, and she put a hand on his arm. It wasn't fair! He would be halfway across the world from her…the Amyrlin wasn't doing it for any particularly logical reason. She considered disobeying her, following Lundren despite her orders. But if the Tower ever realized how bad of an Amyrlin Kesinda was, she would need to be there. Not to be Amyrlin, she was certain. Her journey to Rhuidean had made it clear that there were only two instances when she could accept the position of Amyrlin without causing the destruction of the Tower, and neither of them was this. 

"I am sure you will know what to do," Kesinda said to Lundren- and she batted her eyelashes! Sinead trembled with rage, barely hiding it behind a shield of serenity she only just managed to slam into place before bursting out with what exactly she thought of the woman. "And you, Sinead. I expect you to report to me on the day we move out. We wouldn't want you to accidentally 'forget' we were going, would we?" She smiled sweetly. "Lundren, please come to me with your plans when you have them ready." Lundren stood, bowed, and left. 

Sinead slowly sat down, afraid that her trembling knees would put her on the floor if she continued to stand. "Why do you do this to me?" She burst out, her fists clenched. "Why to Lasana? We have done nothing to you, and yet you treat us as if we were garbage that you found in the Erinin!" She closed her eyes, so she wouldn't have to see the sneering face, or the many honey-gold braids that surrounded it. "Why must you punish us, when Lasana and I were the ones who made the difference in whether you were made Amyrlin or were sent to hoe potatoes in the country?" 

Kesinda smirked, and stood. "I do what I do for my own reasons. Do not question my decisions, Sinead Sedai. I require obedience. If you are not careful, I will demand you swear me fealty. I have a few other sisters who have, so it will not be something I have done solely to you- you will not be able to claim I am treating you unfairly." 

The Amyrlin walked around the desk, and stared up at the paintings she'd had put up there: battle scenes, people dying. A woman, standing alone in the remains of a battle, men in wetlander clothing, and Aiel men and women dressed in very bad renderings of _cadin'sor_ surrounding her. The woman's ageless face was very obvious, a staff in one hand that bore the standard of Tar Valon. Sinead thought that maybe it was someone's interpretation of the Battle of the Shining Walls, but she couldn't be certain. If it was, the artist had had little idea of what a battle actually looked like, especially one involving _siswai'aman_. "Another thing," Kesinda said, turning around. "That sister of yours is coming with me. I need to keep an eye on her- once a traitor, always a traitor, no matter what oaths one takes." At that well-aimed insult, Sinead lunged for Kesinda. She would gladly be stilled, gladly be exiled from the Tower, to get her hands around the woman's neck, just once. 

Flows of Air wrapped around her, slamming her against the opposite wall. A shield slid into place, and Sinead stood panting, glaring at the woman she had silently declared war on. "How dare you?" She panted. "How _dare_ you?" She asked, struggling against the bindings. "Your own mother was a Darkfriend- you told me, when you were a novice. In case you forgot, I was the one who broke your block!" Something stopped her mouth from moving, and she was totally helpless. Kesinda did not like being reminded that she was thirty-seven and had only been Aes Sedai for four years. 

"How dare _you_?" Kesinda asked, advancing on her. Sinead's eyes widened, and she struggled to move away. "I am the Amyrlin Seat; even if I were Bonwhin Meraighdin reborn, that position would demand respect. I will give you until the day we leave to contemplate your errors; if you do not apologize -publicly!- by then, I will declare you unfit for your chair in the Hall. And I will set you a penance fit to make you crawl into a corner and cry just by the memory of it. If you still do not apologize, I will come up with worse. Now- go! Say your good byes to your man. I daresay you'll never see him again." 

Kesinda turned away, and the flows morphed. Before fading away, they tossed Sinead onto the floor in a heap; Malera laughed softly. Sinead stood up, face red, and strode from the room, shaking with rage. Her cloak billowed behind her in dark blue wings. _Lasana!_ She cried in her mind. Her sister was already on the way, she could tell. Worried sick and obviously just as angry as Sinead, Lasana's presence in her mind brought her back to reality, just as she rounded a corner, and, for the second time that day, ran full-tilt into somebody. This time, however, it was Lundren, and she led the way back to their quarters, trembling with rage and the need to voice it. 


	4. You Have No Voice

Sinead stood on top of a hill, her hair whipping in a sharp breeze that had sprung up abruptly an hour before. She looked down the slope, toward the plain below. Or what would have been a plain, if it hadn't been crawling with Shadowspawn. She put her hands to either side, fingers spread, and a wall of red mist flew from them, spreading to protect the men she was leading. It would only be there for a few minutes, but anything to shake up her enemy would help, and the army at the bottom of that hill knew to dread that misty shield. 

She wasn't leading that large of an army; Kesinda had said the host they were facing today 'wasn't that pressing, and they don't have a Dreadlord.' Only…Sinead had felt a woman channeling only minutes before, had had to shield the army behind her from lightening that came from the clear blue sky. "We are going to be slaughtered." The man standing to the left and back of her was the leader of the company, though Sinead had the right to take command from his hands if necessary. His name was Jastin, and thought he was quite large, the words came out as a squeak. "We are going to flaming get bloody slaughtered, Sinead Sedai." 

Four long years of battling the Shadow gave calm to Sinead's voice as she spoke, readying several nasty weaves to send at the opposing army. "Apt wording." She informed him, with a half-smile that held no mirth. "I'm afraid that as long as we can kill or capture the woman who made that lightening earlier, then our deaths will not be in vain," she said. After a moment, she added, "Remember- everything I do will kill you as readily as the Shadowspawn, if you should be in the wrong place at the wrong time.." He believed what she said; he had been there the day she brought Jocinde to her knees, begging for mercy, even while she babbled about how many people she'd killed -among them the nameless young Gray she'd co-led her army with. Hard to believe that Kesinda had put a Black sister in charge of an army to face the Shadow. Foolish the Amyrlin was, but a Darkfriend she was not. It was the only thing to be sure of about her. 

Jastin nodded, and Sinead turned around without waiting to see what he did. She walked forward, black lightening crackling around her, making her hair rise in tendrils to form a halo around her head. As she reached the line of red air, it leapt forward, and she kept going, striding toward the army with such an expression on her face that if she'd been facing humans, they would have run. She couldn't actively attack yet, but she sent Earthfire into the ground, spreading it out, watching as it caused trees to sway and fall, roaring to full life beneath the Shadowspawn, causing them to lose their balance as the ground bucked and rolled, growing hotter than any flesh could withstand. 

Impassively, she kept moving forward. She would catch the woman leading this army, and she would beg as Jocinde had, and Beneon, and Vantis. How many men and women had she captured? How many had she killed? Enough to earn her a reputation; she'd heard the other Aes Sedai talking about it in amazed whispers. What they did not know what that most of her prowess came from the strength of the _angreal_ Lasana had made for her. Sinead would have given anything to be Sinead Sedai of the Blue Ajah, relatively unknown, with next to nothing to worry about. But that would never happen now, she was unhappily certain. 

The trollocs were coming to meet her, goaded on by the Myrddraal behind them. The red wall went through the first few lines. Vapor sprang up, and the Shadowspawn the Ward had touched vanished. Sinead smiled grimly, and then the shield disappeared. _The next thing from Balefire_, she'd been told, when she'd created it as an Accepted. She heard Jastin bellowing something, but just kept walking. They could attack now- and she would be able to, as well. Lightening and fire flared from her hands, and trollocs fell screaming. She heard a sound above her, and raised her hand. The lightening that had been dancing about her gathered in her palm, and she flung it upward, at the Draghkar about to land on her. 

She turned northward, following the sense of channeling. _Is she insane? Why is she not masking her ability to channel, inverting her weaves?_ She kept going, using the Power to make a path for her to walk through. _Unless she _wants _me to find her…but why would she want that? Maybe she wants to be the one to turn me to the Shadow, as all the others tried to do…_

Even with the Power, it took a long time to even walk five paces; before she'd gone very far, she felt Lasana's presence jump from the camp, to the middle of the battle, on the opposite side of the army. Sinead kept going; she and Lasana could fight apart as well as together, and right now, it might be better to be apart. Apparently Kesinda had decided that her first-sister had rested enough after her involuntary collapse. 

She grabbed control of a weave that would have obliterated her, and sent it flying at a group of trollocs and Darkfriends. They flew apart, and she strode on, closing eyes and ears to the pain around her. She could not afford to feel sorry for Shadowspawn, for they would never return the sentiment. She felt a flash of pain from Lasana, quickly suppressed, and then a sense of…apart-ness. Had Lasana gone back to the camp for Healing? No. Wrong direction. Actually, there was _no_ direction. Worried, Sinead stopped, looking about her. 

"If you want me," a voice came over the sound of the battle, "than follow me! I am so sure you are brave enough…" The voice was filled with sarcasm, but that wasn't why she stiffened. Did she know that voice? She was sure she did. She would remember it in a moment…someone Traveled, and Sinead blasted a way to the Gateway with Air, for once not noticing those she killed. It was right where Lasana had been before… A chill went through her, and she wove the flows for Traveling, exactly as they shone in her mind from the residue of the Dreadlord's weave. _Oh, Light…please…be merciful. Lasana is _not _there...PLEASE!_ The Gateway rotated open, and she stepped through cautiously, throwing herself to the ground and rolling to the side. 

Fire roared as she straightened, and she cut the weaves almost casually, looking about her. No residue of channeling besides that…Where was she, anyway? Things seemed slightly odd, light came from everywhere. "Well?" She said out loud. "I came." _That was really stupid,_ She thought, as she flung herself on the ground once more to avoid a streak of lightening. _But at least I know that she's here…_ She stood back up, and masked her ability to channel. This woman might be brazen enough to think she wouldn't be able to feel her ability, but Sinead wasn't about to take that risk. She ran toward where the weave had originated, feet padding softly on a grassy lawn. She reached a small stream, and kept running, ignoring the water that got in her shoes. She cut another weave through, and then had to turn to her left to keep going. 

Lasana seemed closer, but still foggy. _Oh, Light illumine and protect me, she _is_ here!_ She thought as she felt another weave coming. She ducked, and then ran in the opposite direction of where she'd been running before. Then she darted behind a large boulder and crouched down, waiting. Pain came to life in the bond again, and Sinead winced, sending what reassurance she could to her sister. Except- Lasana wasn't in the battle! She was here…wherever 'here' was; Sinead still wasn't sure. Which meant…With a cry, she sprang up, and ran, following the bond blindly, ignoring everything else, except the weaves that kept trying to kill her. 

She entered a wood, but didn't truly notice. _Lasana! Too soon…I won't let you die…_ She thought angrily, darting from tree to tree to avoid getting blasted with Fire again. She found herself only a few feet from a small clearing, and stumbled to a halt, staring at what she saw. Lasana was sitting slumped over against a rock, blood all over her face, and her arm at an odd angle. Beside her stood a plain-looking woman in a simple brown woolen dress, looking about her, even now, with the same curiosity that she'd always shown for the world. Sinead felt herself shiver. 

__

Arla? But I liked you… I trusted you… what happened? The Brown was looking away from her, and Sinead crept forward. This was one Black sister she didn't want to have to kill…they had been friends, and Sinead didn't trust her ability to look the woman in the eyes and end her life. Arla whipped around, raising her hands, and Sinead found herself struggling to keep from being stilled. She kept walking forward, her own weaves darting out to wrap around Arla. She didn't want to severe her…only to shield her, so she would stop hurting Lasana. Because she could tell, through the bond, and with her eyes, that the Cairhienin woman's torment hadn't ended. 

"Let her go," She said, her voice strained with effort. "You…do not…have to kill her just because you hate me." She flung another weave at Arla,and felt it evaporate. Naturally…she'd forgotten that Arla was the one who had taught her about Tracing weaves. _No wonder she slipped away so easily._ She flung another, and then another, and then paused long enough to snap the weave that was threatening to put her completely at Arla's mercy. 

"Oh, she'll do." Arla said, smiling. Sinead closed her eyes, and kept channeling. It _was_ easier to do some things without looking. Right now, she couldn't risk seeing Lasana's face twisted in agony, even if she could still feel it. "I know something about you two- I know, for instance, that whatever I do to _her_, you will feel." She grinned, and Sinead staggered, clenching her fists and teeth against the redoubled terror and suffering in the back of her head. "I thought so." 

She wove something, and Sinead barely managed to catch it in time; her full attention was on breaking the weave around Lasana. Arla could do what she willed to her, but she wouldn't allow the other Aes Sedai to kill her first-sister. The weaves around the slender Cairhienin woman flew apart, and Sinead stepped in front of her, a bit of her strength going to her sister, but most of it focused on Arla. A time passed that it would have seemed nothing happened between them. They simply stared at one another…but the weaves that flew back and forth between them could have leveled cities, if they hadn't been stopped. Arla wove Balefire, and Sinead blanched, cutting the weave only just in time. 

She wove Earth and Fire, inverted them, and thrust them into the ground, spreading them out toward the former Brown. The earth heaved, and Arla staggered, her concentration momentarily broken. In that time, Sinead slammed a shield into place, and bound her with Air. "Don't move." She said sharply, when Arla tried to struggle free of the bonds. Arla needn't know that they were only a hair's breadth from being too large for Sinead to keep together. "If you do, I won't wait for the Hall to pass judgement." She kept control of the shield, but tied off the bonds of Air, as she turned to look at Lasana. 

"Are you okay?" She asked anxiously. She suddenly realized where she was, and frowned. "Are we in _tel'aran'rhiod_?" Lasana half-nodded, and then her eyes rolled up, her face suddenly going gray. Sinead lifted her with another flow of Air, sweat breaking out on her forehead from the challenge of dealing with three weaves made with one of her weakest Powers. She turned back to Arla. "Follow me. Stay two feet from me -no more, no less- or I'll-" Arla nodded emphatically, face white, and stood, coming to stand in front of Sinead. 

"Don't think I'm not watching you," Sinead added sharply, as she wove a Gateway back to the campsite. It revolved open to reveal a section of grass, with a marble bench sitting in the center of it, seemingly floating on nothing, in a sea of black nothingness. She settled herself on the bench, with Lasana's head in her lap. "And don't expect mercy. Kesinda might be a fool, but she won't believe you didn't do what you did unless you can say you didn't after swearing the first Oath again." Arla shuddered, and Sinead smoothed Lasana's hair back from her forehead. It was a short journey; within seconds, the platform came to a halt, and the Gateway opened again. Sinead stood up, tugging Arla forward none too kindly with flows of Fire and Air. The Black sister winced, and stumbled forward. Sinead lifted Lasana in her arms, and strode out, pushing Arla ahead of her. 

They were in the center of Kesinda's tent. The Hall was meeting, she realized. Sinead smiled at the Blue who had taken her position as Sitter; she didn't mind not being a Sitter anymore; it was the penances that Kesinda kept giving her for not apologizing that had her at a slow boil all the time. "Mother!" She said, looking at Kesinda, who was sitting on a seat several feet higher than the others. She looked like a doll up there. "I have another." She gave Arla a push, and the woman looked around her. "Arla?" The gasp came from the Brown Sitters, and Sinead turned to face them. "Yes." She said, her hands tightening on Lasana's light form. "Arla. And she has killed my sister." Pain flooded through her- not physical pain…just the realization that Lasana _was_ dying. Nothing, Sinead knew, would rescue her; nothing at all. 

She straightened, still holding Lasana, as she passed the shield to Kesinda's control. The Amyrlin promptly linked with three Sitters, and the shield redoubled in strength. Sinead stared at Lasana's face for a moment, before looking around. "I testify that Arla Sedai, former sister of the Brown Ajah, is a Darkfriend and traitor to the Light and the Tower," she said formally. "I testify that she has tried to kill myself and has killed Lasana, and has led an army against the Light and the Tower." 

Kesinda stared at Arla, face cold. At least she wasn't soft-hearted; sometimes it was better to be hard, rather than compassionate…the reason Sinead had never been able to make herself kill even a Black sister in cold blood. Though with the realization that Lasana would die, she would gladly have made Arla's death as long and miserable as possible. Sitters of the Hall," the woman's voice rang out. "A trusted Aes Sedai has given her testimony-" Sinead stood there, oblivious to what followed. Trusted Aes Sedai? Lasana's life was fading; she could feel it through the bond. It was getting weaker and weaker… 


	5. A Willingness for Atrocity

Sinead Traveled to her tent as soon as the Hall had decided on Arla's fate- stilling and execution, as it had been for all but Lasana. That had been half an hour ago; now Sinead watched as the Aes Sedai with the strongest Talent for Healing that anyone had ever seen examined her sister. "If I try to Heal her," Dierdra said finally, turning to face Sinead, "the shock will kill her. She hasn't the strength." Sinead slumped, then straightened. _The Shadow shall not beat me down!_

"What if you take my strength? We are bonded- surely you could do something like that?" She asked, cradling Lasana's head in her arms. "Or- or…her Warders could help!" She smoothed long black hair away from her sister's pixie-like face, and thrust as much strength as she could spare into the bond. 

"I cannot." The Yellow shook her head compassionately, smoothing the blanket lying over Lasana, gathering herself in readiness to leave. "Neither you nor her Warders are strong enough. Either she would die, or you would, and her Warders. _Warders_- she has more than one, then. You might consider taking on their bonds to keep them from killing themselves." Sinead nodded miserably. "Anyhow, it would be her, or everyone bound to her, and-" 

Sinead finished bitterly, eyes closing against the woman's expression, "-and the Amyrlin needs me more than she needs Lasana. Thanks ever so much." Her voice was harsh and bitter. "Please- leave me alone. Oh, and have Gabriell come, though I don't think you will have to summon him." The woman nodded, and departed quietly. Sinead bowed over Lasana, her shoulders shaking with sobs that she couldn't control. Gabriell came in a bare two seconds after Dierdra left, and sat on the other side of Lasana. They loved the Cairhienin woman the most of anyone in the world; that half hour in that tent was a time that neither of them spoke of to anyone again. 

It wasn't for several moments that she realized that the woman's eyes were open, deep black wells of pain, and she was looking at her, and then at Gabriell, and attempting to speak. "No- no…Dierdre said that if you woke you weren't to-" 

"Sinead." Lasana said weakly, tilting her head back further. "I'm dying, am I not?" Sinead nodded mutely, brushing at her eyes to be rid of the tears that wouldn't stop coming, and then offering her sister water. Lasana nodded, and Sinead held it while she drank. "Well…" Lasana sighed, after finishing the water, accepting the inevitable, "Sinead…when I- when I'm gone …go to Lundren. I refuse to allow you to die avenging me, and I know you will try to. Our bond isn't like the other Aes Sedai's- we're both the Warders. You will want to die...and you mustn't." Sinead shook her head. "_Yes_! The world needs you- Lundren needs you. Kesinda will try to stop you, but don't listen…just go…" 

Her voice grew fainter, but Sinead felt something wrap around her that made her feel like she'd just sworn another Oath. "Gabriell. I want Sinead to bond you…when I…when I'm gone." Gabriell stirred, anger and sorrow writ across his face. "No- you must keep her alive." _And you must do the same for him, sister._ The words were almost audible between them. Gabriell's hands clenched into fists, tendons and blood veins standing out on the back of his hands, but he nodded. Lasana sighed, head falling back on the pillow. "The bond will pass automatically." The dark-haired woman said faintly. 

"I'm glad to have you two here now," she murmured, and Sinead trembled again. Gabriell was holding his lover against him, stroking her hair, kissing her softly, and Sinead held her hands tightly. A terrible silence came, then, as the three of them waited for the inevitable. Slowly, slowly, the bond faded, getting thinner and thinner. Sinead grasped at it with her mind, grappling with it, trying to hold Lasana there, using her own strength, and she could almost see Gabriell doing the same, but it slipped from her fingers like an oiled fish, and was gone. Gone with a suddenness that knocked her back against the wall of the tent, glassy-eyed in shock. _I must live…Lundren._ She thought vaguely, before the mists came in, and she remembered nothing but the pain. 

~*~*~ 

Sinead came to consciousness slowly, her head whirling. "What happened?" She asked, and then remembered, her mind and heart scrambling to find Lasana. Nothing. She heard a keening, and wondered briefly who was screaming before realizing that it had come from her own mouth. It didn't help that she knew, with a certainty that she wasn't used to feeling for anyone but her sister, that Gabriell was somewhere alone, screaming with the same pain, but doubled…tripled. It felt like he had tried to kill himself and had been stopped; the excruciating feelings arching between them nearly knocked her out again. 

"Sinead!" A voice said, but she couldn't stop. She twisted in the bed, put her face in the pillows, refused to move, to breath. Lasana was gone…she would never see her again. Never talk to her, or comfort her. Someone was pulling at her, and she resisted, struggling to remain like she was. _I will come, sister! I will…_ That someone had turned into two someones, and she couldn't fight them both. She was turned over, and she heard someone gasp "Light have mercy on her soul!" 

But she was having vague memories of something. Something very important- and she didn't care what they thought. "_Sinead, when I'm gone, go to Lundren…"_ Sinead shook her head violently. No! She would stay, she would- _The world needs you- Lundren needs you._ She opened her eyes, and looked at what appeared to be a swirl of vibrant colors. She hastily closed them again. _Just go!_ That feeling, like a new oath. Lasana had bound her to her instructions. And she had Gabriell to look after now. If one of them died now, the other would, as well. 

Slowly, her whole body protesting, she sat up, putting her feet off the edge of the bed. She was in her shift, she realized, and her hair was braided. "How long?" She rasped, and the two Aes Sedai whirled around, staring at her. "How long have I been unconscious?" 

"Two days." The man said, and she gave a jump. It wasn't that she was uncomfortable just wearing her shift in front of a man, it was that _he_ was decidedly uncomfortable about it. She covered herself while he continued to talk. "The Amyrlin was not pleased to have her best fighter unavailable, but no one could wake you. I don't know what exactly happened, but when Lasana died you -you and Gabriell Gaidin- went insane. Sinead, were you bonded to Lasana?" 

Sinead shook her head violently, to clear the last of the shadows and cobwebs that cluttered her thoughts. "In a way," she said, realizing that her shake might have been taken as a no. "We adopted one another as first-sisters, while we were still novice and Accepted respectively. An Aes Sedai was part of the ceremony, so it was completely legal, but we ended up with a version of the Warder bond between us." He nodded doubtfully, but she could care less what he thought of the matter at that moment. 

The woman stepped forward. "Well," she said briskly, "first-sister bond or Warder bond, you reacted the same way Warders do when their Aes Sedai die, and you have the look about you that they do, as well. Here- Joncin and I will leave, so you can get dressed, but I will check on you if you don't come out in a quarter of an hour." Sinead gave her an elegant sneer, and started to slide from the bed. The two Aes Sedai hurried out, and she stumbled across the tent, to the mirror, curious what the woman meant by 'the look'. Whatever it was, she could feel it in Gabriell. 

She saw it immediately. Her eyes, once alive with amusement, or anger, or whatever she felt at the moment, were dull, barely even registering her life-jolting shock at the sight of her face. Her skin was pallid -understandable, she supposed- and she felt she would never laugh again. She composed herself, and thought she was looking at a dead person, only she wasn't quite dead yet. She had lost a bit of weight, by the fit of her shift, but she thought she would lose more before it was all over, and what was weight, now? 

She made herself go to her chest and get a dress out, put it on. She couldn't afford to crumple in tears; she had a few choice words to say to the Amyrlin, and then she and Gabriell would go find Lundren. And then, hopefully, she could find the rest she wanted. She shrugged her shawl onto her shoulders, checked to make sure she had her ring on. She must have lost more weight than she had first supposed; it could fit on her thumb with ease. She examined it a moment, then set to work on her hair, which, even with the braid someone had put it in, was definitely in need of a brush and attention, and was as lifeless as her eyes. She brushed it out and then stuck her combs in it. Dead eyes or not, she looked Aes Sedai to her toenails as she stalked from her tent. Maybe her eyes helped. 

"Where is Kesinda?" She demanded of Joncin, her voice completely expressionless. He stared at her a moment, and then pointed. She didn't wait to hear what he said, stalking off toward where the 'Hall' of the camp was located. She could hear the murmurs of the Aes Sedai around her. _Never see her again…_ The words and the pain echoed in her head, as she strode into the center of the gathering. All of them turned cold eyes on her for interrupting for no apparent reason, but she didn't care. She didn't care about anything anymore. She felt Gabriell stride up and stand behind her. There _were_ subtle differences in this bond from her bond with Lasana- she could feel the ability to force him to her will if necessary. She swore never to do it. 

"Kesinda!" She said harshly, facing the Amyrlin and piercing her with her eyes. She could tell that they disturbed the Taraboner woman, but she did not lower them. "It was by your orders that Lasana and I were the only Aes Sedai on the field two days ago." She announced, her voice strong, but no clearer than a bracken-filled pond. "You said there wasn't a Dreadlord with them, that their army wasn't big enough to be dangerous. I would beg to differ with you, if it wasn't obvious enough without me having to beg anything." She knew that she and her new Warder were an imposing sight. They towered over everyone in the Hall -she was tall even for an Aielwoman, and he was a full head and shoulders taller even than that- and she also knew that everyone there could sense their all-encompassing desire for death. Those two things alone would have made them uncomfortable, but Sinead's strength in the Power and Gabriell's skill with a blade made it even worse. Or better, depending on one's view of the situation. 

She put a hand on her chest, her fingers drumming in time with her heart beat, which seemed to be a little faster than usual. "My sister died because of your foolishness, Kesinda. I ask your permission to leave the camp; I cannot follow a woman who sends two Aes Sedai to fight an army by themselves with a small company purely because of a personal grudge against them." She waited. The woman had one last chance, though she might not realize it was her last. 

"You will stay, and fight." Kesinda said flatly, and Sinead closed her eyes, turning to face the Sitters. Her patience with the Amyrlin was done. Gabriell was a drawn blade, face hard. He hated Kesinda as much as she did, now. 

"If to wear this ring means I am this woman's chattel slave, and must obey her every order -however foolish- without question, than I do not want it." She shook her ring off -it came off far too easily- and bounced it on her palm, regarding them with chilly eyes. "Has anyone ever voluntarily chosen to no longer be Aes Sedai?" They shook their heads, almost as one. "The laws never say they cannot, however." More shakes. She remembered vaguely that an Accepted had once handed his ring to Madeline Sedai, saying he didn't want to be in the Tower anymore, but that wasn't precisely the same thing. 

"But I do." Kesinda said, and Sinead whirled to face her. "I should have made you give me respect years ago, Sinead Mesine. Kneel!" She pointed at the ground, and Gabriell drew his sword. The metallic sound rang in the suddenly very quiet space, and Kesinda looked taken-aback by his open defiance. 

"I don't think so, Mother." Sinead said, still bouncing the ring. "So…am I your slave? Do I have to follow your orders without question?" She put her other hand on her hip, then remembered she was wearing her shawl. She would not be rid of that. She would be Blue Ajah with or without her ring; her Ajah was dearer to her than the ring any day, and she knew that Sallah, still Head of it, would not strike her from the lists even if she were exiled. 

"You have to obey me," Kesinda said. "If a single Aes Sedai questions the Amyrlin, that Amyrlin is made weaker. In these desperate times, it is essential that the Amyrlin is -I am!- strong." 

__

Probably the most intelligent thing you have ever uttered, Sinead thought. _And yet you do not mean it. You want to be like the Seanchan Empress, like the sul'dam with a damane- you want complete control over everything and everyone. That is not how the Amyrlin Seat works._ Sinead narrowed her eyes. "But I am questioning you. I am questioning your biased view of myself and my first-sister. You cannot deny that you sent us into that battle in the hopes that we would both be killed, and thus get us out of your hair. You cannot deny that it is essentially your fault that she died today." 

Kesinda opened her mouth, then closed it. By the Three Oaths, she couldn't, and was finding it out at that moment. "Lasana _is_ dead, you Aiel savage, and there is nothing at all you can do about it," she growled, and Sinead staggered from the double blow. The stunned silence from the Hall pressed in on all sides. "She allowed a Black sister to catch her by her own stupidity. She deser-" 

Sinead threw her ring into the air, flows of Fire weaving through it even as she did so. As it reached its peak, it exploded, showering the hall with tiny molten fragments of what was once Sinead's most precious possession. She had another ring on her hand now that meant more…a slender silver one, given to her by Lundren on the day they were separated by this battle with the Shadow. She strode forward until she stood with her nose inches from Kesinda's. "She deserved nothing of what she got, Kesinda!" she snapped, holding the Source through the _sa'angreal_ in her hair. "She was already weakened, and it was your orders that put her out there before her strength was back. Fool! You will destroy what remains of the White Tower; I will not stay to witness it. May the Light illumine and protect the Aes Sedai you rule." The words had the ring of a Foretelling, though she didn't have the Talent. Any fool could see what was right underneath her nose. 


	6. Everyone is Dead

She opened a Gateway, and stepped onto the platform on the other side, Gabriell joining her after a moment's hesitation. If she Skimmed, Kesinda wouldn't know where they'd gone; she didn't think there was a Tracer in the lot. The platform came to a halt barely a second after it started moving, and she stepped out, into her tent. She packed swiftly, muscle memory from years as a Maiden aiding her in getting her bag packed quickly. Lasana was laid out on her bed, and Gabriell picked her up in his arms, looking to Sinead for instruction. She wove another Gateway, back to the place where she had fought Arla. _Tel'aran'rhiod_ was as fitting place as any to bury her sister, and it was unlikely that her grave would be disturbed. 

She stepped through, and found herself in Tar Valon. Lasana had loved the Grove, and she began to walk in that direction. Minutes passed as they walked, and she glanced occasionally at the White Tower. What she would give to be one of the few Aes Sedai who had remained there to teach the novices and Accepted. They reached the Grove rather quicker than they would have if they'd been walking in the waking world, but momentary confusion disappeared as she channeled, creating Lasana's grave. 

She found herself singing softly as Gabriell laid Lasana down, and she straightened her dress and her hair out. It was an Aiel song of mourning, and no one deserved it more than Lasana. Gabriell joined in after a moment; he would know the words, after being with Lasana for half a decade. She stared at her sister for a few more minutes, memorizing her face as she never had before, and then she channeled, still singing. The earth moved, and slowly covered Lasana up. For a moment, _tel'aran'rhiod_ didn't seem sure what to do. The ground f lickered from bare earth to grass, back to bare earth, before settling on grass. Something had happened to the Unseen World that hadn't happened in the waking world, and Sinead had no idea what would happen because of it. 

Gabriell just knelt there, staring at the grass with blank eyes, until Sinead put a hand on his shoulder. "We go to the Borderlands." She said, and he nodded dully, standing up. But for once the rock-like composure of every Warder broke; as they walked away from Lasana's grave, she heard his soft pleading calls to the Light…and felt the sobs that tore through his body. But they could not stop. Not here, not now, because if they did they would never leave. 

She Traveled from the Dreamworld to the Borderlands, intent upon finding Lundren. Her sister's last request rang in her ears as she tied her skirts up and began a ground-eating trot over the rugged landscape, her full attention focused on what she would find ahead. Gabriell ran beside her just as easily, and nothing in anything around them was as bleak as their eyes as they searched. 

~*~*~ 

Months passed, and Sinead didn't find Lundren. She ran across camps of Aes Sedai, but none of them knew where he was, only that he showed up occasionally to give them orders, then disappeared again without a word. She fought battle after battle, her rage over Lasana's death giving her strength she normally wouldn't have, even with the help of the _sa'angreal_. Shadowspawn died, and Darkfriends; Dreadlords she was merciless to, and people she knew from camp to camp commented on the coldness with which she killed. Gabriell killed, as well- and he tried to _be_ killed. Sinead had never felt so helpless in her life as the day she found him, nearly dead, beside the three Myrddraal he had faced single-handedly. He lived, but it impressed on her again how little he truly wished to live. 

She didn't know what had happened, except that something about her had changed forever when Lasana died. She moved from camp to camp, and she thought that each time she appeared at a camp she'd already been at, they viewed her rather like they would have regarded Deane Aryman come to life. Gabriell, they were frankly scared of. There was certainly a lot of curtsying or bowing, and scurrying to do what they said. Soon she was too worn out to protest when sisters curtsied to her or brothers bowed to her; just made a small gesture as if to stop them, and let it drop. 

In one camp, she missed him by an hour, and spent the rest of the night berating herself for being so slow about getting out of the camp she'd been in before. She found Darmou in one camp -driven nearly insane by Lasana's death. She thought it interesting that Lasana hadn't arranged to have his bond transferred. She asked him if he wanted her to bond him, to ease the pain a little. He refused, looking at her with the eyes she had once seen bright and vivid blue in the morning as a child, and he was dead the next time she came by. She found Nesari in another, dressed as a Maiden but fighting with the Power. Lessia, Nesari told her, was with a group of Wise Ones that had made it their duty to cleanse the Three-fold Land of the Shadow once more. Nesari had been an Accepted, before all-out war broke out, but she channeled with a desperation and power that Sinead knew all too well, having seen it in herself. Her brother and two sisters had at least two things in common with Sinead- ability, whether with the Power or with weapons, and a reckless hatred for the Shadow. 

She was there when the Seanchan attacked, and saw them put the collar around Nesari's neck. She couldn't do anything about it, and felt a part of her die. When next she saw her, Nesari was Larali, and was trying to kill her. Another part of her withered and died. She went on, to another camp she knew. Everyone there had been slaughtered; everyone there, she knew by name. Gabriell helped her bury them, and though she dug the graves with the Power, they were individual, and each grave got a marker. She wrote the names with Earthfire, burning the words into the stones so they would never fade no matter how the wind blew. 

She found herself dreading the next trip, yet still making it, hoping against hope that she would be able to fulfill Lasana's request before she died of loneliness or hunger. Or before Gabriell killed himself, and she died of shock. A year passed, then two. The Borderlands were fading from the cold, green, wilderness they had once been, to a waste nearly as hot and barren as the Three-fold Land. Her clothing wore out, and she purchased breeches and a shirt from a soldier, and wore them to rags, before purchasing more. She forced Gabriell to do the same; he would have forgotten about clothing and food altogether. 

After nearly three years of wandering, she entered a camp she had never been to before, and began to look around for familiar faces, and to ask questions. "Lundren Sedai?" A burly man at a forge asked, scratching at his gray-streaked beard. "Last I heard-" Sinead's heart sank, "he was meetin' with his gen'rals, somewhere o'er yonder." His accent made it difficult to understand him, but Sinead caught the gist of it, and the direction his finger pointed in. For the first time since her search began, she felt a tendril of hope worm its way through her mind. 

"He's here? Tell me, man!" She demanded, resisting the urge to grab him and shake the information out of him. "I must see him- at once." She took hold of the man's wrist and pulled him away from his forge. "Take me to him. Now!" With a nod, the man trotted off, and Sinead and Gabriell hurried after, her eyes darting to find Lundren before he found her. He had been the one to convince her to go with Kesinda…what would he say? She shook off her fears, and kept going. That first tiny bit of hope had blossomed, and lit up a desolate part of her that she hadn't even realized _was_ desolate. 

The blacksmith bellowed for Lundren, and Sinead half raised her hands to cover her ears. But then Lundren was ducking out of a large tent to their left, looking around, and Deiree followed him, shading her eyes from the sun. The former Keeper, superceded by Marela when Kesinda took the Seat, looked as weary as Lundren did, as weary as Sinead felt. Sinead walked forward- stumbled, really- and bowed, as she was wearing breeches. Gabriell bowed as well, but he straightened immediately, and stared at absolutely nothing, eyes blank. They looked astounded as she straightened, and she actually smiled, though it did nothing to bring life back to her eyes. "Light shine on you, Lundren. And you, Deiree." She said, feeling like she was coming home, even though she'd never seen the place before. "How may I be of help?" 

The blacksmith was looking back and forth between them, and suddenly Sinead realized something. She'd been channeling almost every day for seven years, and she'd worn the shawl for…Light, had it been twelve years? Her face was that of an Aes Sedai's, beneath the desolation, and the blacksmith was only just beginning to realize it. And her eyes would probably give him nightmares. "Sinead?" Lundren asked, and she nodded, tears trembling at the corners of her eyes , swaying back and forth as the realization that her search was complete finally hit her. "Come in, so we can talk," he said, and she followed him, relaxing so much that if he hadn't had a hold of her hand she would have collapsed. Deiree had a grip on Gabriell's arm, pulling him in as well. Only a little further to go and she could join her sister- nothing could or would stop her now, when she decided it was time to go. 

"This is Sinead of the Blue Ajah, and Gabriell Gaidin." Lundren was saying to the other people in the tent, still with a hold on her hand, and everything else rolled over her like cleansing waters, washing all her doubt and self-hatred away. Lasana had wanted this…therefore it must be right. 

~*~*~ 

Sinead wasn't sure exactly where she stood in the chain of command of Lundren's army. She wasn't just an Aes Sedai, but she wasn't really anything more than that, either. It was more like the people of the camp saw what she and Lundren thought of one another, heard the stories about her from people from other camps, and treated her…carefully…because of it. Gabriell's cold eyes wherever she went probably didn't help matters. She wasn't on the council that discussed where to go and what to do -by her own choice, she was tired of having to be in charge- but that didn't seem to matter. The blacksmith bragged that he'd been the first to speak to her, and Sinead just shook her head and walked away. What was the point of it? All she did was fight, just as they did. She was a war machine, with Gabriell and Lundren as her back-ups. 

Since she'd been mostly on her own -or with only Lasana- since Kesinda had led them out of the Tower, it was a new feeling, being linked with more than one Aes Sedai, fighting the Shadow together. The bleakness still remained in her mind and heart, but sometimes it seemed to shrink. The first time she laughed at something another person had said, she felt like a new person. But every time she fought the Shadowspawn the memories would come back, and sometimes she would realize she was in the center of a company of trollocs with no idea how she got there, and no way to get out. Her friends said she would go berserk, and throw herself at them, but she couldn't remember doing it. And every time she returned to the camp after a battle, she would go to her tent and collapse, crying as she had forced herself not to for so long. 

Gabriell's presence in her mind was a dark spot, where creatures from nightmares lurked. It was through no fault of his own; he had nothing to console himself with. She had the Power, at least. And she had Lundren. He had nothing, though she attempted to find him something. He was, as she had thought of herself so long ago staring into her mirror, a walking corpse. He requested she pass his bond. When she asked why, he said it was because he didn't want to hurt her when he died, and there was a Yellow who wanted to 'study' him. He said it so bleakly that she cried for two nights over it before telling him that Lasana had put him in her care, and she would do that until one or the other of them died. 


	7. Weary of the Pain

One day, they were fighting a battle that they thought would be the 'normal' way of events- maybe a Dread lord, or a few Darkhounds, but basically as it always happened. However, Sinead realized that the flows being used to attack them weren't like what the Dreadlords used- with her experience, it was no surprise that she noticed when no one else did. "Forsaken!" She called to Lundren. She was leading a circle and was somewhat safe, but he was alone. "Female." She added unnecessarily. 

"It must be Mesaana," the woman behind her commented. A Brown, if she wasn't very much mistaken; a Brown would know the most about that sort of thing. Sinead nodded, and funneled the anger that always came when she fought into making the earth rise up against the Forsaken. She had no time to see what else was happening, only pressed forward. She cut every weave she could, while making the ground roll and boil beneath the enemy's feet, and could only hope that Lundren was actively attacking, because she hadn't a clue what he was doing. 

She heard a high-pitched scream, and one of the women in the circle just-disappeared. Not physically, but she wasn't linked anymore, and that could only mean one thing, if the woman was still alive. The shock of it reverberated through all twelve of the remaining women, and Sinead nearly doubled over to vomit before collecting herself. She assigned two of the other Aes Sedai to get the burnt-out Aes Sedai to safety, then continued on. Fire flared from her hands, and the black lightening that she always used reached out tendrils like _mashadar_, attaching themselves to Shadowspawn and Darkfriends alike. It didn't release its prey until they collapsed- more often than not a charred corpse in a silvery coating that had once been their armor. 

"There!" Sinead called, and pointed. Fire streaked from her fingers, and cleared a way through the troops ahead of them. The woman standing there simply stared at them for a moment then wove something that Sinead knew would be nasty. She cut it through as she advanced, and the woman's eyes narrowed. Definitely Mesaana; Semirhage, she was to understand, was quite dark, Lanfear and Graendal were beautiful, as well as cautious, and Moghedian would never have attacked openly, according to the chatter of the Brown. 

"You wish to fight, _Aes Sedai_?" The Forsaken asked, smiling slightly, and abruptly it was just the three of them…Sinead, Lundren, and Mesaana. The other Aes Sedai were there, but forgotten. Sinead wove more Earthfire, and directed it through the ground, waves of red-hot earth rippling toward Mesaana. They disappeared as if they'd never existed, and she wove again, with the same result. A fountain of dirt and fire roared up behind the woman, and she stumbled slightly; that had to be Lundren's work. "I take it you do. Naughty children." 

The Forsaken's attention was on Lundren; Sinead might as well have been a stone in the way. In one direction, Lundren was channeling for all he was worth, or so she assumed, and it was not enough; red lines appeared on his face, on his arms, the flows that Sinead could not cut slashing across his skin. In the other, Mesaana stood, serene and so sure of herself that Sinead longed to slap some humanity into her. 

"_Burn you!_" She screamed, losing her temper as Lundren's blood sheeted down his body and she was unable to stop it, even with the power of the circle she controlled. "May you burn in the fires of Shayol Ghul…" she stopped cursing abruptly, turning her concentration instead to stopping the flows Mesaana had just thrown at her, managing to slice them through with an awkwardness that even she felt. The Forsaken turned cool eyes on her, and Sinead settled herself, channeling Earth and Fire and Air together into a molten ball of liquid earth and lightening that hovered over her hand, a rapidly growing globe of pure death. The weave seemed to startle the woman; she narrowed her eyes at any rate, and raised her hands. Sinead blanched at what she was weaving, but couldn't cut her own flows to stop it. "Lundren!" She called, "she's making balefire!" She completed the weave and tossed it at Mesaana, feeling the invisible tugging at the woman's flows that meant Lundren was trying to cut them. 

The Earthfire she'd created should have destroyed their opponent in a moment, but it struck a shield of air, and molten earth spattered in every direction. But the lightening arced over the dome the woman had created around herself, showing them both exactly where her shields were. It danced and flicked over the invisible wall, and Sinead set herself to picking through it. 

"Children these days," the woman said, her voice rolling over the field, obviously amplified. "Weren't you ever taught to respect your elders?" And she let loose the balefire neither of them had been able to stop, searing across Sinead's vision towards Lundren. For the longest moment of Sinead's life, her lover was outlined in the cold white light of balefire. And then, in a shower of sparks, he -and the weave- vanished entirely. 

Something akin to the pain she had felt at Lasana's death blossomed in her breast, save multiplied tenfold. She lost all sense of what was up or down, her ears ringing, and she fell to her knees in front of this Chosen of the Dark One, her eyes seeing absolutely nothing as she stared at the ground, her fingers digging into the dusty soil. _Light illumine and protect him…may the last embrace of the mother welcome him home…_ She thought, but she knew, if she lived past that day, she would never forget what she had seen. _Oh Light…balefired…_ Full realization of what the Forsaken had done hit her. Because of Mesaana, Lundren was gone from the Pattern permanently. Because of her, the Wheel could spin forever and she would never see his face again…not in this life, or another. 

__

Never again. She staggered to her feet, forcing her knees not to collapse from beneath her, her hands extending shakily as she wove all Five Powers together using the full power of the circle. Abruptly she felt strength pouring into her and frowned. It took her several minutes to remember Gabriell, to realize that he had felt her pain and knew she needed help. She took his strength gratefully, and continued to weave, the flows building, and building, and building. Her eyes found Mesaana's, daring her to even attempt to cut the flows she controlled. 

Mesaana dared. Sinead had forgotten that she did not control a circle of thirteen anymore; with just twelve, and all of them exhausted, they were vulnerable. The woman struck, and abruptly the circle shattered, the women within, all but Sinead, doubling over, clutching their heads and shrieking in pain. "I have often wondered why pain teaches better than any other method," Mesaana commented, watching Sinead's companions with cool eyes. "Perhaps, when my Master breaks free, I will look into the matter further." 

"Light burn you," was Sinead's sole comment, and it contained all the hatred she had ever felt in her entire life, multiplied ten, no, a hundred times. She stood alone against one of the Forsaken, her strength already greatly weakened, and abruptly she knew -and accepted- that she wasn't going to live. But she wasn't going to lose, either. She reached out to Gabriell, and felt his own acceptance of death, as well. Mere seconds passed, then abruptly he was beside her, fancloth swirling, his face covered in soot and his sword in his right hand. "For Lasana," Sinead whispered, taking his left, and walked forward, towards Mesaana. "For Lasana, and all who have fallen in this battle." 

And as he attacked physically, she unleashed everything she had, all the strength she could draw up, until she was using more of the Power than she could ever handle, even with the aid of her _sa'angreal_, more than even Mesaana could hope to control with it. Light filled her, seeped through her every pore, flowed through her veins. She felt it swelling inside her, the pain almost nonexistent compared to the sweetness of the Source's embrace, and then she directed it at the Forsaken. She heard a scream of agony, and had time for one burst of proud exhilaration. Then abruptly all feeling was gone. 

The Light was singing to her, and she had to follow its song.


End file.
